A far cry

 Chapter – 9
Kachhala (The Ninth Month)
Since the beginning of Nawaratra (Nine nights of Dashain), I have been visiting different goddess temples. Someone had told to Jogmaya – "It would be better to get up early during Nawaratra and to visit religious places and goddess temples before daybreak, if so, the life would become successful and it would gain prosperity and peace." Since she had requested me to be accompanied with her for two months, according to my verbal agreement, I also have started going to visit religious places in this Nawaratra as I would get chance  to bow the religious places and I would be a companion to Jogmaya also.
There is a rule to have bath with the water of different rivers or ponds in nine days of Nawaratra to bow the goddess temples while visiting these religious places. We have been going to goddess temples accordingly. Today is the seventh day of Nawaratra (Nine nights of Dashain). Today we are going to Mahakali temple at Byasi. We have to bow goddess Mahakali after having bathed in 'Kansakhusi' river. While bowing in this way, we have to bow down before daybreak in the morning. There is importance of night at Nawaratra. This Nawaratra starts on first day of bright half of Aswin and ends on ninth day every year. During this period, as a symbol of love and merrymaking, Goddess Nawadurga is prayed, worshipped and vowed. This worship of goddess is celebrated as a festival, so the activity of visiting the religious places in the Nawaratra is also entertaining. That’s why also, I have given a companion to Jogmaya in this programme.
At present, most of the works of agriculture have been finished. This is the free time for our Jyapu community also, so that there is a custom of going to the goddess temples with playing musical instruments from tole to tole and trust community. On first day we went to Bramhayanisthan (Bramhayani temple) located at the East direction of the city. That was the first day and it is a little bit far from our house, so that we had gone earlier. We had thought that we only would be there at that dawn but we met different groups and gangs on the way who were returning after visiting the temple. It meant that we had already become late. We became enthusiastic. Before arriving at Bramhayani religious spot, there is Bramhayani river and Jogmaya started to bathe at that river. But I entered to the temple after having bathed the five organs i.e. two hands, two legs and face. This bath is called Panchasnan. While revering goddess Bramhayani we have to remember her appearance. Remembering Bramhayani having red complexion, four hands and ascended on the duck, I saluted her. I had told this thing to Jogmaya also. She also revered accordingly. On that day, after having bowed, we were returning, we met a young man on the way. All of sudden Jogmaya stopped and she whispered with him what they talked about, I didn't know. Jogmaya again come near me and said – "He is Kisicha (elephant). He proposed me to go to Bramhayani. I told him to go on his own."
 "Who is that Kisi? Where does he live? Is he literate or illiterate?"
            "He is also a Jyapu from Kwathndotole. He is not highly educated but not completely illiterate also. He drives a manual tractor. He has much agricultural land."
"How long have you been having companion with him? You are educated and he is uneducated. He has that much large body. How old is he?”
 "He is elder than me by age. I had met him four months ago in a party. Since he is a fun maker and talks pleasantly and entertainingly, we immediately introduced with each other. When he knew I am a single yet, he proposed openly – 'If you agree, I will marry to you.'"
Really Kisicha is as fat as an elephant. Though he is black, he looked attractive. A son of Jyapu, he could certainly do the works of power and intelligence. As Jogmaya had told me on the first day of the festival of Nawaratra, I told to her in a consent manner – "If you love him, I think you'd better accept him immediately after you become sure that he doesn't have relation with other girls."
            "Yes, I am also trying to find the same. There is no reliance on male people."
            I told to Jogmaya that her first work is to get all information about him, second work is to understand his behavior and the third work is to observe how his nature adjusts with hers. We had arrived at home by daybreak on that first day.
we went to visit and bow goddess Maheshwori on the second day. After having bathed at Ford of Maheshwori River, we prayed for goddess Maheshwori. While we were returning back after having worshipped by remembering goddess Maheshwori with her white complexion, three eyes with the moon on her forehead, holding a trident on one hand and a small drum or another hand and ascended on the bull, we met Kisicha by the corner of the temple. When I saw Kisi, immediately I said to Jogmaya – "Jogmaya! It's not good of Kisi to follow you in this way. It's dark time. What may people say tomorrow! You tell to Kisi not to follow like this."
Jogmaya went towards Kisi and requested him not to come. But he didn't respond at all.
            On the third day, we had to reach at Kumari after having bathed at Pasikhel Ford. Kisicha was seen at the ford itself. I told to Jogmaya – "Now you donot speak with him. I don't like this man. Because why did he come since you had told not to come yesterday?"
Without giving any response, she followed me. Remembering goddess Kumari with blood-complexion, four hands, having three eyes with the moon on head, and ascended on the peacock, we worshipped her and returned back.
On fourth day, we had to bathe at chupin ford and we revered and worshipped goddess Bhadrakali situated at Bhelukhel. Goddess Bhadrakali is accompanied with a complexion like a blue lotus, sixteen hands, three eyes with the moon on forehead and ascended on the camel.
On fifth day, we bathed at Mangaltirth and reached at Varahi temple. We revered and worshipped goddess Varahi who has the complexion like the appearance of a boar, three eyes with the moon and has ascended on the horse.
On the sixth day, we had a programme to have a bath at the famous pond, Siddhapokhari located on the western part of the city and to visit and worship goddess Indrayani situated at Khoumatole. To reach at this religious spot also on time, at first we went to siddhapokhari and bathed and then reached at the temple of goddess Indrayani. Remembering goddess Indrayani with her golden complexion, magnificent like melted mercury, wearing a garland of human heads, ascended on the elephant and resplendent, we revered, prayed and worshipped her.
In all those past six days, Kisi didn't forget to follow and imitate us. In latter days, he stayed in a little far distance and kept on observing our activities only and looked at our activities. In that sense I felt that Kisi is not a bad person, actually he has desired to make Jogmaya his wife. My ray of hope is growing that the desire of both of them may be fulfilled. I have promised from my inner heart that today I would slowly express positive opinion to Jogmaya.
Six days of Nawaratra have already been passed. Now three days are remaining. On the tenth day, we have to bathe only after the sun rises; we shouldn’t bathe before sun rise like in Nawaratra. That’s why only two days are remaining for getting up early.
Jogmaya might have come as I heard the door being knocked. It’s right time. I went out from the room. At first, Jogmaya and I moved towards Kansakhusi. That river is not so much far from the temple. Today I saw the crowd of people has been increased; perhaps Dashain starts from today. Because today is Foolpatee (the seventh day of Dashain). Today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow are the final days of Dashain. The persons and communities, who didn’t come to the fair in the last six nights, also come to visit and worship the religious spots in these final three days.
After having bathed at Kansakhusi, we had ascended on the temple of goddess Mahakali and had reached on the yard of that religious spot. There was a large hymn-group and a long line of women and children related to that hymn-group from all over the tole. The women had worn new Hakupatasi (black saree) and white shawl. They had worn the shawl from over the left shoulder to under the right armpit by spinning it around the body and making the right hand out of the shawl, so that it had become earier  to worship. We went and stood on the parement  of a rest house near the temple intending that the crowd would step back. I came to know after seeing Bhuicha that  it was the hymn-group of Bharvra from lakulacheen tole.
Bhuicha was playing the Dhimebaja (a drum like musical insument ) When he saw me, he increased the sound of that instrument and started to act with his head and body. Moreover he came close to me and paid his body and to the instrument like a skilled instrument player and played it, then he started to speak something also- “ Dhun Dhun naa dhun tajhemata jhen taa, dhunta tadhun dhutata thakhata nakhatata Khatatake dhunta tadha dhutata.”
Previously Dhimebaja was used to be played only by male people. Women were supposed not to play it, so they were not used to be taught to play it also. But now a days this instrument is played by all. Actually the tune of dhimebaja is sweeter when it is played by men. Because, sometimes the tune of the instrument has to be blocked by oral speech also like how Bhuicha has spoken the tune of instrument just now.
Bhuicha is playing dhimebaja swingingly, sometimes he is looking towards the temple and sometimes towards where we are standing. Suppose he has left nothing to show his masculinity in front of me Gradually the hymn-group started to go out of the yard of the temple. Now Bhuicha also slowed down the tune of dhimebaja and turning towards me and looking at me, he also started to go out of the yard.
This Nawaratra festival/fair is also an opportunity for young men and women to meet eachother and to be introduced with each other. During this time, and the day after tomorrow are the final days of Dashain. The person and communities, who didn’t come to the fair in the last nights, also come to visit and worship the religious spots in these three days.
After having bathed at Kansakhushi, we had ascend on the temple of goddess Mahakali and reached on the yard of that religious spot. There was a large hymn-group and a long line of women and children related to that hymn-group from all over the tole. The women and children had worn new Hakupatasi (black saree) and white shawl. They had worn the shawl from over the left shoulder to under the right armpit by spinning it around the body and making the right.
There are sufficient possibilities to prove that one is suitable to another and to develop mutual understanding between one another. Firstly charming time of morning, secondly the time governed by tranquil night, thirdly a specific and solitary time to be spent by going up to out of the city; since the young men and women can consume this time with mixture of religion and entertainment, it is certain that the environment itself creates lecherous and fearless situation for them.
Wearing white daura suruwal (cloak and trouser), black westcoat, black hat, a tika of vermilion on forehead, and inserting a red rose into the cap by the side of a ear, Bhuicha has been proved to be the centre of defferent attraction in that group today. While the crowd was slowing going outside, Jogmaya, all of sudden, said – “How handsome Bhuicha looks today!”
I didin’t respond at all to her. She also knows the reason; Bhuicha I liked Bhuicha has continuously been attracted to me. Though at that time, I didn’t think to give my response immediately. I myself is studying about Bhuicha. I need even more information about him. That’s why I remained silent; I became responseless in pretence of observing the crowd.
The traditional Jyapu dress, whether it is of men or of women, I like too much. I feel that only in that dress, our racial existence survives. At present, both of us are not in that dress which Jogmaya is appreciating to. We became indifferent after we started to go to school. We were compelled to wear light and easy dress. But anyway, there is no way not to like our dress. I support to Jogmaya’s statement – “Haku Tapli (black cap) of men and HakuPatasi (black saree) of women are the identity of our Khwapadesh. We shouldn’t destroy them and I am confident that they are not destroyed.”
After the crowd decreased, we went in front of goddess. Goddess Mahakali is taken the most powerful goddess among the group of Asthamatrika (eight goddesses). Having the complexion like a blue lotus, ten hands, three eyes with the moon, gtoddess Mahakali remains in a wrathful appearance. I saluted by adoring her and Jogmaya also revered and worshipped her.
While descending from the temple of Mahakali, taking her internal matter, Jogmaya said – “Kisicha says that he takes me away from the same Nawaratra.”
In slight trembling voice to take my decision, she again asked – “what to do?”
            “What’s your opinion; at first you make your own decision.”
“He says that it would be better if I elope with him in this Nawaratra or on tenth night of Nawaratra on the day of paya: Nhyakegu (the pageant of goddess Taleju).”
“It is right decision. This custom is well-accepted. While eloping in other times, different awkward situations have to be faced. Night time, moreover the crowd of people, free to go on by holding hand over hand with own liked person. You can go to one side and be disappeared. The right time is the same. That is the time to be coupled when the hearts of a boy and a girls are liked by each other. But I cant say anything about it. Your decision is ultimate decision.”
While seeing, Kisicha looks good. How will be their relation later? He has been seen in all seven days of Nawaratra. I have been seeing him from far distance as a safeguard of Jogmaya. I told to Jogmaya only this – “Now three days are left. You yourself think over it.” When we arrived near to my house, I tried to depart but Jogmaya also desired to come to my house. I didn’t stop her. She came to my house together with me.
Today I have many works to do. Not only to make the materials ready to make ale for three-day party and to take the ale out but wine also has to be prepared. Previously, mother used to do all these works. But this year, these works have come to my responsibility and I have already learnt to make also. The ale required daily to grandfather, Bhajulal is also prepared by myself. When he starts to drink ale taken out by me, he doesn’t finish the bowl of ale without praising me. “Wow! Dhathe he makuse chwa (It is really tasty)” – He never forgets to compliment. That’s why also I entertain to give him ale.
 When I said that today I would prepare ale and wine, Jogmaya decided to stay with me. Because Thwan (ale) and Eila (wine) are compulsory items for a party and this work is the responsibility of women. Every woman must know to prepare thwan (ale) and eila (wine) in our caste. Another item for the party is meat. That is the responsibility of men to prepare. The women needn’t worry about the meat.
Jogmaya has seen but hasn’t prepared by taking full responsibility. The reason behind her staying here with me is that after she is married off, she shouldn’t tell that she doesn’t know even to prepare the materials.
Grandfather, Bhajulal always goes to Kunsakhusi (a name of river) for his regular morning activities. But today the fair organized in that area made him difficult. He had to go a little far from usual place for excreta. When he told this thing, we also told that we also had gone to that fair. He had seen hundreds acquaintances but he hadn’t seen us, so he became surprised and in Jesting manner he said – “were you with young men in the crowd? Otherwise if you two only were walking, I would certainly have seen, no doubt.”
As usual, I brought a bowl of ale and put in front of grandfather and filled it with the ale from spouted water-pot. Dipping the ring finger of right hand into the ale, he sprinkled it to all four directions, then with the same finger, he performed as if he put tika on neck and forehead and closed his eyes for a moment and became ready to drink. These are the activities done by him before drinking the ale. At first he offers the ale to be drunk to the god and ghosts in surrounding had before drinking, he taken only after inner praying for that the ale on the bowl would be like elixir for his body. He had already explained this thing to me.
Actually thwan and Eila (ale & wine) are both intoxication. The balanced consume of these items positively helps to the human health and on contrary the imbalanced consume of them affects negatively. Grandfather, Bhajulal drinks about three-four times daily at morning, evening and day time. That’s why he is physically fit. Since he drinks with pure heart by keeping the god a witness, instability couldn’t have occured on him. It means, he consumes ale but the ale doesn’t consume him.
While I was going to moisten the rice for ale, Jogmaya also came with me in the room where ale is prepared. She had decided to learn so I started the works to have been done by her hands. I have been preparing ale produced from one pathirice daily for three days. There needs too much ale for three days from today. The ale needed for today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow has already been ready. Now today, the ale needed for later has to be prepared. Therefore, I moistened one pathi rice and I asked Jogmaya to take the ale out from the alcohol Jar which had been kept previously.
I requested Jogmaya to put the rice, which had been moistened for an hour, into the large copper vessel and to cook in steam. For steaming it, mimicha (a sieve like pot) is put inside potasi (a large pot having holes on back part) and then the the moistened rice is put in the mimicha. Then after that potasi is put over the large copper vessel filled with water and the opening of the potasi is blocked. When the water is boiled, the rice inside the potasi is steamed by the gas. This steaming process should remain until the inner part of the rices becomes soft. After that the steamed rice is spreaded on a bamboo tray, when it becomes cool, Manapu (yeast) is mixed in it. While mixing the yeast up, the particles of yeast dust and the steamed rices should be mixed with each-other very well. One biscuit-like piece of yeast is sufficient for one pathi rice. This intermixture of rice and yeast should be put at the buttom of alcohol Jar or the large copper vessel and their opening should be blocked. This requires some heat, so the jar or the vessel should be wrapped either by a cloth or by a sack and it should be managed to get some heat. Yes! After two-three days, when rotten smell of the rice starts to come, the heating object should be removed. After that within six-seven days double water than the rice should be put. Then ale becomes ready and it should be taken out with the help of ‘ba’ (an object to take ale out of the Jar). While taking the ale out, if there is one pathi rice, for the first time two pathi water should be put and ale should be taken out, for the second time one and half pathi water should be put and taken out and for the third time one pathi should be put and taken out. We can produce about four pathi ale from one pathi rice.
I taught Jogmaya to prepare ale by showing each thing and assigning her to work with it. Various vessels had been remained separated according to time and necessity. I told her very effectively that in all the vessels the smell would change according to time. She became happy and tasted a bowl of ale also.
Today wine also has to be prepared. It had to be prepared yesterday itself for tomorrow’s Kuchhibhoya (family party). But I couldn’t prepare yesterday because of over business. So today I have to prepare early. There is necessity of mother to prepare wine, I cannot prepare myself. Because, there requires too much water and we have to pay attention on the warmth of fire also. Therefore, we have decided to prepare the wine only at day time according to the specified time of mother. But I have already made all the necessary thing ready to prepare wine. I have been explaining this things to Jogmaya.
Since the necessary things to prepare wine has to be made ready about one month before, so that all the things have been ready since then.
While preparing things for wine, three pathis beaten rice, two dharni (one dharni is equal to two and half kilogram) loaf sugar, and three pathi ‘chhogana’ (wheat flour) should be mixed up with two pathi residue of ale. Equal amount of water, about eight pathi water should be added and this mixture should be filled in a ‘Tep’ (a big earthenware) and its opening is blocked. The mixture in the ‘Tep’ should be stired very effectively daily so that the ingredients would mix up well. After about four weeks, it should be checked. While checking to find out whether it is ready or not, we can check in two ways. On one hand, we can observe by kindling a split of pine wood or on the other hand, we can observe and check by taking own eyes at the opening of the Tep. If the eyes become pungent, we have to know that it is ready. I showed this process to Jogmaya by doing direct check and observation.
When mother becomes free, we will soon take the wine out from the prepared ingredient. Jogmaya would stay up to that time. Perhaps, she has decided to become an expert to prepare ale and wine while going to a new house therefore, she has tried to learn with great concentration.
To take the wine out, mainly four tools or vessels are required. The first one is a large copper vessel in which the rotten ingredient for one month has to be cooked. The second one is ‘Harsi’ (a earthenware with holes on back part) in which the steam, raised from the boiled ingredient below, is stored. The third one is a triangular pot which is called ‘Bata’. There is a pouted shape on back part at the of this bata. This bata is put properly on the opening of the ‘Hansi’ by using a piece of cloth to put it fitting properly the opening of fosi (the large copper vessel) and hansi, so that no steam would come outside. Inside the Hansi, in its bottom, a Dwapucha (a vessel used to prepare wine) is put where the wine is collected in.
The raw ingredient kept for a month is put in the fosi (a large copper vessel); over the fosi, the hansi (a earthenware with holes on back part) is put, on the buttom of the hansi, the dwapucha (a pot) is put and over the hansi, the bata (a triangular pot) is put and filled with water. Under the base of the fosi, the slow warmth of fire should be kindled. The ‘bata’ over should be filled with water. When the water in the bata is changed for three times, the warmth of fire should be decreased and then the wine being stored in ‘dwapucha’ inside the ‘hansi’ should be taken out.
The process of wine production is that the sour raw ingredient in the fosi is boiled and changed into steam; when that steam is dashed against the bata above which is cool by cold water; and when the steam is dashed against, it is changed into drops of water according to its nature and started to fall into dwapucha. The same liquid which is changed from steam and collected in the dwapucha is the wine to which we call ‘Eila’.
I told to Jogmaya that ‘Hwaun thwan’ (red ale) has been started to be prepared in a ‘Tep’ (an earthenware). It takes four months to prepare ‘Hwaunthwan’ (red ale). The ingredients kept now become ready to prepare red ale only after four months. This year, we are going to celebrate the ‘Janko’ ceremony (a ceremony done at old age of a person) of our grandfather. We have started to prepare ‘hyaun thwan’ (red ale) for that Janko from today. Simple thwan (ale) is prepared by simple rice but to prepare ‘hyaunthwan’ (red ale), hakuwa (specially prepared) rice is compulsority needed and it takes much time as well.
By seeing my expertise in household works, Jogmaya says – “chakana! I had thought you a modern woman. After seeing and understanding all these activities, I thought you are a Jyapuni who knows traditional customs and values.”
Actually a true Jyapuni could safeguard the matriarchy in the society. The necessary elements for leadership development are selfless service and vigilance of responsibility. These qualities are developed in women earlier that in men. Those women who are dutiful can acquire the leadership in family and society. That’s why in every family there is leadership of women themselves. This is the custom having been practiced from ancient time. This is not only modern outcome of present time but it is a natural excellence with evolution. Though the modern analysis and explanation have tried to suppress it, no one could erase its reality.
Today works was done for whole day. Staying in our house for whole day and deciding to meet tomorrow morning at usual time, Jogmaya departed from me, tomorrow is eighth day of Dashain. Father will have to go to trust worship. Now a days mother is also very busy to do various works. She has already assigned me all the works which have to be assigned to me. Most of the works of today has been finished.
Since today is eighth day of Dashain, we have to bathe at Chanpukhu (a name of a pond), located on the east of the city and have to go mahalaxmi temple, situated near Bholachen (name of a place). The temple is inside the city. The sound of musical instruments played by pilgrims outside the temple has started to be heard. Jogmaya hasn’t arrived. When she becomes late, there raises suspicion on her. But I do believe that she would complete this fair of Nawaratra. According to custom determined to visit the religious spots thinking that if we visit  and bow down goddesses during Nawaratra, we can acquire divine power and peace and happiness. I have only followed her, this year.
Jogmaya arrived. We moved to go for bathing to the specified place. The way has been more splendor than that of previous days. Women and children have been running also. They are the residents of local tole. The people, who are from far distance, come systematically by involving in hymn and hymn-groups.
After having bathed, we reach at the temple of goddess Mahalaxmi. We greeted revered, and worshipped goddess Mahalaxmi who is in yellow complexion has a golden brilliance, has three eyes with the moon, sixteen hands and always has cheerful appearance.
Today there is Kuchhivoya (family party). Many things have to be sent on the behalf of our house for the worship of the trust. Since mother and myself have to do works collaborately, I tried to return back early. Pointing to Kisicha who is observing our activities by sitting on the bench near the pond, Jogmaya said to me – “Look, that Kisicha hasn’t left me from morning to evening.”
“It’s natural for a bee, which has expected to taste the flavor of a flower, to fly around the flower. Such is reality, Jogmaya.”
“Chakana, I have been weaker and weaker when he has been following me like this. Even if I have tried to be far from him, my decision power has been started to be decline. What should I do? It has been very difficult for me.”
“A woman is a symbol of power. A magnet has power, so iron is pulled towards it. Moreover, another reality is that it’s natural for two directions to join. You yourself are power. You have the decisive point. You shouldn’t think otherwise in this regard. Only you observed his family and his past behaviours. If you think right, it’s ok.”
At present I express my agreement because the past events happened in her life have kicked her and pushed much backward. I have opined that eloping off like this, then entering to the house later and doing Gwayakayegu (receiving nuts) is better than wedding ceremony. The main thing depends on decision, courage and resolution to make their future of this couple. I slowly reminded all these things to Jogmaya.
There is Kalaratripuja (A worship done at night of eighth day of Dashain) tonight at Taleju. There, people of our Suwal caste prepare bread. Eighty four items is the highest dish of food. Preparing these eighty four types of bread and offering them to goddess Taleju, Achaju, Joshi and Dhyavaju castes do night worship.
Suwal has been changed from Swayagu. The custom of cooking rice and offering it to the main goddess of Malla Kings, Taleju is still in practice in suwal community. Even in a pasni (ceremony of feeding rice to a baby for the first time) of a baby, the same rice offered to goddess Taleju is fed to the baby at first. Since the members of our trust are the cook at Taleju, tomorrow those offered breads will arrive to the tole and to us also.
Male buffalos have already been cut in all toles of the city. Some have party by going to the trust itself and some have party in their own house after having the meat divided and bringing their partition to the house. But we have to have party in our own house. Therefore I have been engaging in works after having returned from the temple.
Today is Kuchhibhwaya (the family party), the day to have feast of a bowl of beaten rice and other items by all the family members. Beaten rice, curry, cereal curry, pickle of pea and radish, paun pickle (a sour pickle item), all these things are being prepared in house. For meat item, father has gone to bring the meat of a male buffalo which has been cut by the members of the trust in tole. When meat is brought, three items of it have to be prepared-the first is Nalula (raw meat), the second is Ta:Kwala (another meat item) and the third is Siyala (meat item). After preparing these three items, dried meat for grandfather is prepared from remaining meat.
Previously we used to bring jujudhou (curd) from the market in the party. But this time, I myself prepared in home. Because I had felt that since the demand of it during feast time is high, so its quality has been decreased. Therefore, to prepare curd in house, I told to bring milk yesterday morning, on seventh day of Dashain. Immediately I boiled the milk in an iron pot so that one fourth of it was decreased after it was boiled. I added sugar as per needed and took that boiled milk out of the oven. The Kalla(an earthenware to prepare curd in) had been soaking in water since previous evening. I spreaded the husk of rice on floor. To maintain the temperature, I put the Kalla on the husk. I cooled down the milk until it became slight hot. The milk became slight hot in the sense that while dipping a finger into it, the finger got a slight inflametion. Then I poured the milk like water tap into the Kalla so that foam would rise inside. Simply I had left pusa (seed) for curd. Because of high temperature it could have been ready yesterday itself. But as it is needed for today, I had maintained the temperature of the Kalla. When I observed sometimes before,the curd had already been frozen very well. I have been internally happy and satisfied since I could have been able to freeze the curd in house itself successfully. Now my grandfather would admire me too much and inform to all the people of the tole. Though I have inner desire that my good and bad behaviours and works wouldn’t be informed to outside the house, grandfather doesn’t remain silent to publicize it.
Today is ninth day of Dashain. It is the day to visit and bow down the temple of goddess Tripurasundari which lies near to our own tole. But to have bathed, we have to go to the religious spot, Khorhe or at the meeting point of three rivers, Hanumanghat.
Today also there is high pressure of people. Different communities of the tole with playing musical instruments are heading forward in lines in a disciplined manner. We also have come out to go to Khorhe. Today, the last day of visiting religious spot, is ‘Sakotyako’ (the main festival of Dashain) also. Therefore it has been seen high involvement of children as well.
After having bathed, we arrive at Tripurasundari. By remembering goddess Tripurasundari with red complexion red dress-up, having three eyes with the moon on forehead, with eighteen arms and ascended on the line, we revered and worshipped her.
I saw Kisicha looking at Jogmaya very lovingly by staying at a far distance. Because of my presence, Kisi hasn’t attempted to come near to us. Since Jogmaya had already told him about it, I felt that Kisicha has been following her statements completely. From today, religious spot visit also has been finished.
            “What does Kisicha say?” – I asked a simple question in front of Jogmaya.
            “What to say! He says he would die, take poison and leave the country if I didn’t marry with him.”
            “That is the main formulae expressed by a man to entrap a woman. Does he say any other thing?”
            “He says he would serve me for whole life.”
            “This is also a lie. Any other?”
I didn’t agree with Jogmaya’s statement. I saw that she also has already become blind right now. I felt that Jogmaya’s heart has become upset after Kisicha told that he would die. I think Kisicha’s expressions have been true word by word for her. I remembered,Jogmaya would not be prevented even if I tried her to prevent. Therefore, I slowly asked – “When will you elope?”
            “We have been agreed for tomorrow night during ‘Payo Nhyakegu’ (pageant of goddess Taleju) but….”
            “If so, I don’t go to observe that pageant tomorrow night with you.”
Jogmaya didn’t respond at all. Now I am confirm that she would elope with Kisicha. ‘Payo Nhyakegu’ (the pageant of Taleju) falls at the night of Vijaya Dashami (tenth day of Dashain). In this pageant, Nawadurga (goddess Durga) goes to the place of Taleju, Layaku to fetch goddess Taleju and Taleju and to invite godess Taleju for visiting around the city, there Nawadurga perform dance. To take goddess Taleju around the city, A horse is also managed. By taking goddess Taleju and a sword as a representative of royalty in front, Nawadurga (Nine goddesses) also involve in visit around the city. Even if the pageant is at night time, since it is the first day of origin of Nawadurga, the residents of the city gather in a crowd at tole to tole to listen the ear rending music of Ghintalla (tune of the instrument of Nawadurga) and to bow down goddess Nawadurga and Taleju. At last there is a program that Nawadurga come at ‘Sabhunga Bhairav’ located at Toumadhi and bow down Taleju. In this way, after completion of ‘Payo Nhyakegu’, in the same night the group of Nawadurga enter to the Dhyochhen (a temple) located at Ga:chhen. While the group of Nawadurga enter to the temple like this, Nakin (the main lady of community) do laskus (welcome) by putting tika and take them into the temple. I have watched this night pageant several times.
As today is the last day of Nawaratra, all the appliances are to be worshipped. Mother worships a loom, a lathe and all the devices used while waving the clothes by collecting them in one place down and father worships the devices used for a carpenter and appliances used for farming separately. Grandfather has been doing special supervision of this worship. He has observed by visiting room to room to find out whether worshipping has been done correctly or not. Today is a special day to have feast enjoyably by leaving all the working appliances. Now we start doing works for feast.
Today male buffalos are to be sacrificed at Taleju Bhabani temple. During Nawadurga also, Kha:me (a specially reared male buffalo) to be killed as Mahishasur (a monster) is taken out from the temple of Nawadurga by making him intoxicated. At night, that male buffalo is killed in the name of Mahishasur by the group of people who involve in the name of the monster, Mahishasur.
On the other hand, in Buddhist Shakya community, today there is a custom of worshipping immenstrated girls in the form of Kumari. But in our Jyapu community today there is not any custom of worshipping Kumari like that.
The tenth day of Mohani (Dashain)/Nawaratra (nine nights of Dashain) is also called Vijayadashami. Shivajuju has said that he would come at Bramhayani religious spot in the morning. I have also thought to go alone. Actually I have to go with Jogmaya because I had visited all nine religious spots during Nawaratra (nine nights of dashain) with here. We had bowed down at Bramhayani on the first day itself. When I told lie about the time to go Bramhayani,Jogmaya didn’t force me and didn’t become stubborn to go. Perhaps she also wanted to become free from me and would like to meet Kisi. Yesterday itself we had decided not to meet with each other on the day of Mahani (Vijayadashami).
Today there is a strange custom of going to visit Bramhayani in group or individually from tole to tole. According to the custom of reaching at temple of goddess with full trouble for body, the first method is that the body has to be spread on the path and the body should go forward in a rolling manner like rolling  a round log and we have to go to the temple by pressing the path by body. The second method is that we have to go forward by measuring the path by the body; while measuring by the body, we have to measure from the thumb of foot to the fingers of hands on joined position. While measuring like this, every time we have to do Sashtangadandawat (bowing down in conjugation of six organs) by nodding down the head. The third method is that we have to walk forward slowly by putting a burning earthenware lamp on head, both shoulders and on both hands. The forth method is that we have to put a burning earthenware lamp on head and we have to go forward by rolling on the body like in first method. This method is most surprising. If there is slight imbalance of the neck, the burning earthenware lamp can fall from the head. Similarly, in the compound of the temple also, people lie like a dead body and put one hundred and eight or three hundreds and sixty burning earthenware lamps on the body. There is a belief in our community that the more trouble we give to our body, the more piety we get. There is a tough competition between matured male people for this type of religion related activities.
Shivjuju had been waiting for me at the yonder opening of the bridge, that leads to Bramhayani. I saw from a far distance. Since he also recognized me from a far distance, I saw him going slowly to Ta:thali rather than going towards the temple. I got a signal that he wanted privacy with me. Its ok, we haven’t met with each other for some days. I have also been eager to meet him. Leaving the way to temple on left, I also took the left path. I also involved myself in his slight walking movement. When I reached up to him, I asked him, - “It would have been better if you had visited and bowed down the goddess at first and come to here.”
            He became indifferent to my statement and kept on going forward. Then I also became silent and followed him in his movement.
            “How are you Chakana?” – trying to look at my face, Shivajuju suddenly asked me a question.
I turned in dilemma for whether to say fine or not fine. I didn’t have exact response that would be right response for his question. Therefore, I also remained silent and kept on moving my steps forward with him
            “Chakan! Are you fine?” – Another question came to me from Shivajuju.
I couldn’t give the response for this question except ‘yes’. Now He also became more and more solemn like me. We walked a long way by remaining silent. Where am I going and why am I going; I don’t know. I couldn’t understand why this void mind is leading me on this destinationless path. I have been dull and following shivajuju but he is moving forward with a fixed plan. Suddenly I startled and awoke. And then I knew, we had already walked a long distance. I slowly told him in a suppressed voice – “where to go?”
My question made him alert also. He immediately responded in a hurried voice – “No—no! We don’t go anywhere. Simply I wanted to meet you and talk with you.”
            “Tell me, what you have to tell me.”
            “No, there isn’t any special.”
            Still he hasn’t become relaxed. Perhaps he has understood that I couldn’t hear and understand his intended view, so that his thought couldn’t have been changed into speech and expressed externally. I want something to listen from him. But my desire hasn’t been fulfilled.
“Chakana! Why don’t you want to talk with me?” I thought that he had asked a question with the tight heart. Before my preparation for response, he asked an additional question forcefully – “can’t you talk?”
I responded in a comprehensive manner – “what to talk? What is to say? All the things you have heard, understood and seen.”
“Yes, I have understood that thing.”
“And then you have pretended as if you haven’t understood. You have blocked my way of life.”
After that he doesn’t speak anything. He hasn’t got any deceit from me. I am very much faithful to him until now. But he is tricking in every step of my life against me and doing a treachery. I internally thought that today I would take a clear decision to set a crystal way for future with him; and with fixed decision I resoluted also. Today is Vijayadashmi, the day of victory. Today, I want to achieve a victory over my own weakness.
He is my mate from childhood, my class fellow in primary classes, a heart-touching person in the class or very heart-related person. That’s why I loved him fraudlessly, candidly and purely. But in response, he gave me a sensual passion, took me at the climax of a new gratification, made me stand on that point and degraded my life. I thought, to be misled is time. And to mislead an unknown person is a deceit. The deceit is understood after the consequence of the event. Deceit and fraud is the product of ignorance and ignorance is an innate nature in every moment of life. Natural habit should be balanced by humans and humans should be balanced by habits. That is the natural life – the character. When a question is raised against the character, the life should search for its solution – that is the ascertainment of reality.
I clearly asked a question in a rebellious voice “can you openly adopt me? I am ready to become your second wife. Tell me shivajuju, Are you ready?”
He doesn’t have courage to tell – ‘I am ready to adopt you as you said.’ That’s why, by abandoning the women is dignity to another side, I told in front of him – ‘I am ready to become your second wife.’ Otherwise no women can tell that she would become second or third wife of a man; moreover we are Jyapus. A man for a woman and vice-versa for us. Therefore also, one and one is eleven and it changes into power and family life becomes powerful. How satisfaction there is until death to laugh together, to play together and to work together!
It has been difficult for me to understand that what is his thought towards me. He always calls me and enamour me with sweet voice as if he loves me in a suppressed speech. When I asks some question, he responses with a suppressed throat and nasal voice in an incomprehensible manner. I think, his body, heart and property is with me and I believe that he is spending time for myself but he always becomes failure. He calls me to meet, and we meet each other also but the time passes simply with a fruitless meeting. Would I spend my whole life as an illegal wife throughout his life? Or would I surrender my life and do whatever he says? I couldn’t have found out the answers of these questions as well. I couldn’t have determined myself.
He is incapable to accept me as a wife because he has a married intra-caste wife in his house and four family members with one son and one daughter living in the same house. He has a difficulty to accept me as a wife and to make a member of his family as I am from another caste. Even if I have understood all these things, I have been presenting in his scheduled place without hesitation and I have been meeting him. I have been waiting for a long time for his final decision. Suppose I have been entrapped in a fishhook in the form of his behavior linked with a thin thread of his attitude. If he let the thread go, then I am wandering around the margin of the circle.
When he didn’t respond for a long time, reminding him, I told him – “see Shiva! You have your family and I am an unmarried woman. It’s not good for both of us to meet and to keep on meeting with each-other in this way. What are you unsatisfied for; I have not understood. Tell me clearly, we would identify a right way to safeguard our love. “Do stop to meet me in this way. Because this type of meeting is disadvantageous for you yourself.”
 “Chakana! I couldn’t forget you. What should I do? I see all the ways blocked in darkness.”
“When you yourself couldn’t reach in exact decision for what to do, then why are you blocking my way? You forget me thinking that sometimes we were partners and we had promised to spend our lives together. And think that we couldn’t have accepted these things.”
“Chakana! You love me, I know. I also love you as much as you love me, you know this thing also. How can we be indifferent from each other’s love affair?”
“Shivu! Whatever you have named love right now, both of them are not love. I haven’t loved you; just I have kept your rememberance in my inner heart. You also haven’t loved me, simply you have thought that I would be a character for you to have a momentary luxury. Both of these aspects wouldn’t step back completely until we live. Without taking a warm rememberance, simply I would remain in a simple rememberance. You don’t bring frequent desire, simply take your desire in one corner and engage in responsibility for your family. In this way we can be released from each-other.”
“Chakan! Don’t devalue the love in this way. Love is a sacred attachment of life and it’s attraction of life, passion of life and intimacy of life. It gives life to the creatures and love gives happiness, peace and satisfaction to the life. Love raises only an unparalleled life and it can decay the life as well. Therefore, Do not view it superficially.”
“It’s ok, I viewed in depth. Then, can you change your behavior towards me and produce an intimate and close feeling inside both of us?”
“That is determined by time. Whether the love-plant is flourished or not, it’s confirmed by the environment no one is more powerful than time.”
“Shivu, what did you say? Many years passed waiting for your favorable time and trying to know the real identity of love. Today also, do you talk about time? Is the time within your grip? Today, make it clear. I can’t wait for you anymore. And it’s not favorable condition to wait for you also. Friendship is still remaining between you and me. We would meet, talk about pain and gain and would continue academic discussion and argument. But let’s confirm the matter about coming me in your life and you entering to my life. Now don’t trouble me anymore Shivu.”
He doesn’t speak anything. I couldn’t either support or oppose my proposal. I also, remaining silent for sometimes, try to study his mental confrontation on his face. He looks peaceful but looks also a sufferer of offence. Now, our footsteps have been turned from east to west. It means, we have turned towards Bramhayani. Silence indicates agreement also. Not to reject my proposal and not to speak against it means he has realizes his past weakness. I understood the same. Trying to get rid from that situation, I reminded him – “Shivu! You are a member of a prominent clan. You have to take responsibility of all the works which have been being carried out by your father and forefather and you have to handover these works to your coming generations. In what condition you are spending your life; you try to be happy in the same. Surely you would get a happy, peaceful and satisfactory life; it’s simply a matter of understanding. Don’t be this much weak.”
“Yes Chakan! I have understood the situation. I welcome to your intellectual view also. But in this condition also, I can’t forget you. You have loved me like Radha had loved Krishna. How can I forget your pure and fraudless love?”
Don’t compare our love with the love between Radha and Krishna during Dwapara Yuga (the third era). That was the devotion of Radha and a magic of Krishna. We can’t imitate that love even one percent. The reason behind this is that they are representative great persons of the era itself and we are common people. My wishes are always for you – may you always be happy and at least let my way be opened to handle my life. Do show kindness for me.”
“I have been in danger due to seeing your devotion towards me. I have seen my ways of life blocked and indeterminated. I have tried to stop at the point of confirmation and determination. I have been entrapped in a cyclone because of frequent imbalance in mentality.”
“I will make you free by myself and with my sentimental activities. You think yourself that you are free. Then you will feel free. Another thing is about me. You avoid your feeling of being entrapped in a crisis from your mentality. Forget the feeling of meeting one for consolation forever.”
“How the strokes of wrong doing and mistake are being frozen in mind be avoided in this easy way! I have been suffering from the feeling of offence and will be suffering. You set your path, I will help you as much as I can and will be your co-operator.”
Shivaju surrendered in a crystal manner. I am happy because I am free from today. I am sad also because he mocked manhood in front of me right now.
We have reached exactly near the temple. Trying to change the circumstance, he said – “I had seen Jogmaya with a boy sometimes before you came.”
            “A fat boy, Is he?”
            “Yes! He was a bit black and fat.”
“His name is Kisicha. They have already tied in a love affair with each other. Perhaps, tonight itself, they will have agreement.”
“Oh! Payo Nhyakegu (Taleju festival) ?”
“Yes! They will go today and hide for four days and then perhaps they will come out on Kojagrat Purnima( the last day of Dashain). I have understood the same thing from them.”
“It happened good. Jogmaya’s boy looks good. I saw him from the same caste. It may be better.”
By this last statement of Shivajuju, I also felt that this statement directed my way. I found that there appears cloud in the faith I had with Shivajuju. I started feeling regret for my closed eyes for a long time. His easy view about intra-caste added another stroke in my distressed heart. I became wounded within myself, within mental understanding and waves of the heart. I became wounded with my wishes and aspirations and within the desires of heart. I forcefully stopped the torment suddenly coming from inner part of stomach pungently and didn’t let it be expressed. Like Shivajuju stripped off manhood in front of me, I didn’t let the weaknesses of women be overflown. Like the victory of Goddess by suppressing the inhuman attitude, I thought that I got victory over Shivajuju and his attitude. Because of this feeling, I felt that I had got energy. I kept on be managed within myself. When another tension was raised in mind for setting the way for forthcoming days, I stopped there for sometimes and walked towards the temple after being departed from Shivajuju.